I don’t think you are

When best friend is a very sacred word.

A year and half ago I made a huge step in my life. For the first time, I decided to left home and started a new chapter of my life. Two years ago I was in high school and living with my parents and my sister. But months later, I found my self living alone in an unknown city, with different people, different language, different taste of food…. everything is different, except the fact that i’m still in the same country. The decision I made a year and a half ago was something I used to wanted. I live with my family for my entire life, family is all i got, my parents and sister always have my back and love me, even if my sister act like she don’t, but I know she does, just like what sister always do. I live with my sister, in the same room for my entire life, and when I almost finished high school I thought it was the best time to continued my study in another city, so I can finally have my own bedroom and started to grow up by living alone. Without forgetting the fact that my family is everything for me, I finally living on my own. But the I realized now that my decision was wrong. I suddenly live too far from home, since I can’t really settled with people. I can easily talk to people I don’t know, but if we get too close, I feel uncomfortable. I do have friends in my new city, but I just don’t feel too close to them. I betrayed sometimes. I feel alone. I feel neglected. I feel useless. I don’t talk to them a lot about my personal issues and life, because i don’t really trust them. When they call me that I am their best friend or sister, I don’t call them the same way. I only consider them as my friend, my close friend, not my best friend. I feel like a cruel person because of that. But my only best friend is my sister. People say “people comes and go in your life, but the right ones will always stay”, nobody who called themselves my best friend ever stay forever, them always “go” and never come back. The only one who stays is my family.

I can’t easily trust people. I may look cheerful and laugh all the time but I have a lot of sadness behind my fake laugh and smile. If awkwardly don’t know what to say, I laugh. If I don’t know what to talk I smile. If I don’t want to argue, I keep silent. That’s who I am. Maybe I’am too cruel. But I think that the word “best friend” is not a word that I can easily someone to be. Some people have a lot best friends who stays with them forever, but not for me. People who I thought will be my best friend always go and never come back. I don’t think they ever consider me as their best friend either since they never contacted me. Maybe it’s just me, maybe it’s all my fault that my “best friends” never come back. Maybe it’s because I’m too boring and not worth to be keep.My love life also as bad as my “best friend” life. But I’m not going to talk about that though.

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